looking into the eyes of an angel February 24, 2010

After our visit to New Hope school, and orphanage for HIV+ children, I was feeling quite hopeless. The reality that these kids were not receiving their life saving medication was too much for me to bear. I felt unsettled, and ungrounded. Clearly I was missing the lesson in this experience, but I continued to trust, and right around the corner was my miracle, and it came through a young man named Julius.

I sat across from him at a small garden table away from the business of my hotel. Like most Ugandans his voice is soft and faint, I have to lean way in just to hear him. I wonder to myself, if this has to do with the many years of oppression these people have endured, as though they have collectively determined that no one will listen anyway so why waste the energy to speak up. His beautiful large brown eyes, set wide and high upon his sculpted cheekbones are focused and he does not shy away from my gaze, in fact he resonates with austerity. Despite his short life of only 19 years, I know immediately that he is wise and has a great understanding of true life experience.

My 1st question to him was “So, I have been told you are HIV+”. He nods, not losing my eyes at all. I continue, by asking if he was born with the disease, and he responds “yes, but I don’t like blaming anybody”. I followed by asking him how and when he found out that he carried the virus, and he informed me that he had suspected it, although he never wanted to believe that it was true. He had been very sick as a child, and was on medication. All that he was told was that he had a low “platelet” count, and he didn’t know what that meant. For years he would pick up his medications, not fully understanding why, but that when we was nearly 11 years old, one day there was a leaflet with the meds. And he read through it, and realized at that time that he was indeed HIV+. He says he will never forget that moment of shock and he broke down, saying to himself “Oh God, please don’t let it be true”. I tried to remain composed as I processed the fact that this young man before found out about his HIV status, without someone to hold or console him. He had to find out all alone. He went on to say that he kind of put it out of his “child’s mind”, that that was how he was able to console himself. And, that he began to get even more sick because he wasn’t always so committed to taking his meds.

Another year and a half went on like this, until eventually he received confirmation from a doctor. He said that at that time being HIV+ was the worst thing possible in life, although now it has really changed (at least in his perspective). It was only after he completed his final exams for Primary School (Uganda’s version of elementary school) that he and his guardians were to come in together. He informed me that Joseph (from Building Tomorrow, who served us heartfully as our guide the entire trip and who introduced me to Julius) and a nun whom he was very close to were the ones who were present for his verdict. “And, what about your parents?”, I asked “did they die of HIV”. Solemnly he educated me that HIV doesn’t kill, but Aids is what stole them. He went on to explain to me that his parents lived in denial. They refused to believe that they had contracted the disease until it was too late. First his mother got sick, then his father followed shortly behind.

With absolute faith he explained to me that it must have been some sort of accident that brought this virus into the family home. He assured me that his parents were good people, and good parents. He believes fully that they were absolutely faithful to one another, so one of them must have contracted it some other way. From our visit to PACE a subsidy of YouthAids earlier in the week, we were educated about the pressing issue of cross generational sex, infidelity and even the fact that polygamy is legal here were huge contributors to the epidemic. The stigma around the disease here in Uganda is strong enough that many people (his parents included), refuse to get tested or treated. And even the orphaned children left behind hold tightly onto the possibility that that was not the case for their beloved family. Just being seen going to get the necessary medication offers more than enough shame and emotional persecution that denial is the greatest cause of death among it’s victims.

Backtracking his story he explained to me that his parents had arranged for all five of their children to be separated and cared for by various relatives. Julius was to be raised “at least as long as I was still on this earth” he added by this father’s youngest brother, who was still in university. The uncle was unable to take care of him so he was sent to what he was told was a boarding school and that prospect was thrilling as he believed he was going to receive a better education. It wasn’t until he got there that he realized that it was actually an orphanage. He said that time was very tough for him but it was there that he met the sister and Joseph who he considers his guardians. Luckily for Julius, his intellect was apparent and his new family created the means for him to leave the orphanage and be sent to a true boarding school. He explained to me that he is at the best school in Uganda, and is very grateful for that.

Julius now 19, is living a healthy life despite the virus that threatens his future. He explained to me that as long as you take care of yourself you can live a long and happy life. On that note I asked him about girlfriends, he is after all a teenage boy. A quick and resounding “No… I don’t have time for that. I have to stay focused on my studies.” Julius feels responsible to give back. He intends to make something of himself so that he can go back and help the other kids at the orphanage and his siblings, those who perhaps were not as lucky as himself to have gotten a better opportunity.

I wondered about his siblings. How were they and had they test positive as well? He told me about where each of them went, and that he does try to see them when he can, but it is not often. Julius believes he is the only child out of the 5 that is positive. In his mind his mother must have contracted the disease before he was born (but after his older siblings) and that when his younger siblings were born, she did not breast feed them so as to stop the transmission from mother to child. He said it is very difficult, as he has never spoken to them about his status. The stigma is so brutal here, that even with his own flesh and blood he can not openly discuss the matter. I attempted to probe deeper, knowing there are so many unanswered questions, but I honestly didn’t have the courage. Like the yogi that I am , I looked to the lighter side of his situation & asked more about his plans for college.

He was now in his last year of what would be equivalent of high school (more than 60% of all children do not get the chance to even begin that level of schooling) and would be off to university the following year. Pharmaceuticals, that’s what he wants to study. Julius believes that a cure can be found for HIV/Aids. Or that at least a better way to ensure it can no longer be spread. He will dedicate his life towards that goal. Looking directly through me Julius said “This is my destiny.”

I sat for a moment allowing that final statement to resonate, realizing that sitting here before me was the potential for great healing. Julius is an angel. Not only will this man transcend his own obstacles, he is doing it with the intention to serve the world. To heal, both himself and the millions of people affected by HIV/Aids. I don’t think that Julius knows it, but he also saved me. By sharing his story, his life and his heart with me, I am forever changed. Within that single evening I was able to feel the raw truth about why I came here to Africa. To face my own fears and judgements about disease, poverty and humanity and to continue to step off of the safety of my yoga mat, out into the world and to continue to do even the little things that I am capable of doing. He reminded me that although I can not solve all of he problems of the world, I can authentically sit with someone who could not be more different than myself and see a common thread. That when I do even a little a lot can happen. And that when I can honestly look into the eyes of those who I am blessed to serve, I receive more than I could have ever imagine.

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